Chart House Chaps My Ass

Okay I'll say it up front. The Chart House is overrated and overpriced. $70 per person plus gratuity and I was not blown away. If I'm spending that kind of bread, I better be blown away.

First of all, if you're a seafood specialty house, don't tell me you serve fresh Chilean Sea Bass. There is NO such thing unless you're in Chile. Second, fish shouldn't be bathed in sauces or layered in "crusts." Light versions of either are fine.

A brief history lesson will explain this. Years ago, heavy sauces were used to disguise the flavor of spoiling meats and fish. Ever heard of Meuniere? Loosely translated it means "miller's wife." The miller's wife had a ready supply of flour and of course the mill was generally located on the waterway so she also had a convenient place to catch fresh fish. The "a la meuniere" preparation is simple because there is no need to mask any off flavors. Dredge your fish in flour or seasoned flour, cook it in a pan with some lightly browned butter, add some fresh parsley and lemon and voila.

Okay, back to the Chart House. There appeared to be no simple fish preparations at CH. Furthermore, the menu was terribly uninspired. They are trying but they aren't there.

Table service is remarkably well done. At least our server seemed to have his act together. Though they need to work on their "team concept." I overheard the server explaining to an adjacent table that they had a new manager and he wanted to "enhance the dining experience" so they implemented team concept of service. That means no trays for plates. All food is brought to your table by hand. That's fine. But they need to work on it. There were a few awkward moments when diners at our table received the wrong plate.

We waited an inordinate amount of time for our entrees. When they arrived, the servers were using napkins to hold the burning hot plates. Why do restaurants do this? I'm not sure. Entrees were okay. Not good, not great. Just okay. One filet mignon was ordered rare to med-rare and was medium to medium-well. It was mentioned to the server. No adjustment. My feeling on this, and I'm not one who trolls for comped food, is that the meal should have been removed from the check. The reason she decided to eat it was she didn't want to sit there and wait while everybody else had their dinners and then everybody waits for her to finish. That's not a pleasurable dining experience.

I will not return.

This review is for The Chart House in Daytona Beach. Other locations may be different. But I still won't go to any other locations either.

Long Doggers Does Dogs Right

This is the former Long Doggers that is now Parrot Island Grill. It appears that one of the partners bought out the other partners or something like that. It was my first experience here but was told by my two eating partners that it was exactly the same as it was before.

Okay, I gotta let you in on this one. We sit down at this beachy looking joint. It's definetly not on the beach but you get that feeling. We each order a beer so the server/beer girl suggests a pitcher. Okay. She begins to pour the pitcher. Gets to about 3/4 full and the keg blows. She says "we have to change the keg." She then takes the almost full pitcher of beer and puts it over by where the guys are cooking. A few minutes go by and we're sitting there really wanting a cold beer. She had already placed the frosty glasses in front of us. Not being one to be shy, I say, "hey we'll get started on that one while you guys change the keg." She looks at us oddly and says, "well if you want to drink out of the bottom of the keg, it may not be any good." It's all I can do to keep my mouth shut and not laugh out loud in the girls face. Instead of explaining to her that there is a tube that goes from the tap to the bottom of the keg that's called the pickup and all the beer comes from the bottom of the keg, I just said, "we'll take our chances as long as it's cold." We get our cold pitcher. Ahhhhh.

So this place is more or less a specialty hot dog joint with an expanded menu of beachy favorites. We all chose the dogs with equally pleasing results.

Despite the ditzyness of our server with regards to the draft beer, her effort was adequate. Nothing spectacular. I tried to explain to her the old time bar tradition of "the spider" where if you get the last pour out of the bottle it's complimentary. She couldn't care less!!

NOTE: There are still Long Doggers in Melbourne and other places. The "Parrot Cay Island Grille" appears to be the only location that has changed monikers.

Parrot Cay Island Grille
2452 S. Nova Road
Daytona Beach, FL

Miami Diners Suckers for the Average

I have been a contributor to Yelp for the last year or so. I began using it to research good places to eat not only in Miami the few places to which I have traveled in the past year. At first I found the site to be helpful. Recently though, it seems that Yelpers are WAY too generous in their reviews. It seems that this is not unique to the Miami area however I think that MiaYelpers are jaded due to the utter lack of an established culinary tradition in the area.

I discovered recently that I'm not the only one who laments on this subject. One yelper reviewed someplace I can't remember with this one:

You have to place take-out orders with the chesty, heavily made-up bartender, who ignores you unless you are i) male, and ii) the type of male who has a job that permits him to sit at a sticky bar in an aspirational restaurant, imbibing many martinis with a friend at noon. Piss off. Laura T. http://goshdarnit.yelp.com/

Another one reads:
The food? Kinda not good. What is it about Miami and too much sugar in everything? Does the fact that so many people only speak Spanish preclude them from ever visiting any other cities where they can sample good food? Like New York, Chicago, L.A,, San Francisco, or Seattle? What gives? So far I've eaten at only 2-3 restaurants that actually live up to their reputations. The rest are so sub-par that they're only a notch above Appleby's. And these are places that get fantastic reviews? By the way, I'm not the only person who thinks this. Most recent transplants I've spoken too...in fact all of them....agree. Sorry. Gotta be brutal, and maybe things will change. It's just that when you're spending a decent sum for your meal, it should be decent. Valentina D.

Sure, we have a small handful of "nationally renowned" chefs in the area. But that means nothing if they don't produce. I see reviews of places that read "we loved when Chef Douche had La Comida Mierda, the place was soooo good." Really? Well if it was so good, why did the place shut down?

The problem with Yelp is that there are too many self-important slackers who want to feel and look important by reviewing the trendy joints in town. I guess they figure an "amazing" review of the latest "amazing" place to open will make them look as if they are..."amazing." Furthermore, I suppose they don't want to look silly by spending an inordinate amount of their disposable income on average chow.

Empanadas made easy and easy to make

I was looking around for an easy empanada recipe awhile ago with a preference toward the baked rather than the fried variety.

FoodMuse found a recipe that called for a filling of chorizo and pancetta with onions and bell peppers. Sounded good. But the wrapper part called for a leavened dough. I found that a bit odd. Some googling later and I was able to easily find a simpler wrapper recipe that is shown below.

I fully intend on trying the leavened version but for now, this one suits me just fine.

Empanadas

Filling

I used a simple onion, bell pepper, chorizo and cappicola blend. I know, chorizo and cappicola? WTF? The original recipe I had called for pancetta but there wasn't any at my local market so I subbed cappicola. It worked just fine. Keep in mind, the genesis of Empanadas is peasant food. Take the leftovers, put them in some dough and let it rip. Get as creative as you like with the filling. That's my only recommendation. I sort of followed a recipe but I suggest you get freaky.

Dough
3 cups all-purpose flour
¼ cup lard or vegetable shortening
2 T butter
2 cups water
1 t salt
Preheat oven to 425 degrees

Dissolve the salt in hot water and let your salted water mixture cool to room temperature. Then melt your lard/vegetable shortening and butter in a separate pan. Place flour in a medium-sized bowl, then slowly add the melted lard/butter and mix flour with fork to create little balls. Then add a little bit of salted water as you mix the flour with your hand. (Don’t use all the water, just enough to create a dough that’s kind of like playdough.) Adjust with more water or more flour as you continue to knead the dough with your hand, creating a dough mixture that you can mold. Continue kneading until you get the right texture (don’t knead too much though.) When you’re happy with the texture, cover your dough in the bowl and place in the refrigerator for at least 30 minutes.

When you’re ready to make your empanadas, start by creating the skin. Remove dough from the refrigerator and pinch balls a bit smaller than a golf ball. (The size depends on how big you want your empanadas.) After you have a tray of mini dough balls, flatten each with a rolling pin to create small tiny circles, like a mini pizza. The skin should be at least 1/8-inch thick or less.

Place a spoonful of filling on one side of the circle skin, then fold over and pat down the edges. Decorate the edges by doing the traditional Argentine rope edges by starting on one end and turning over a bit, and then folding over and over along the edges to create a rope look. Or you can do the simple method of pushing down the teeth of a fork along the edge. Or better yet, create your own pattern or "stamp".

Some recipes call for using baking sheets. That's fine if you can. I just greased a non-stick baking sheet and it worked fine. Create an egg wash by mixing one raw egg with a bit of water. Paint the egg wash on top of every empanada. (Optional: crack a bit of fresh sea salt on top of each empanada.) Place in oven and bake until golden brown, about 15 to 20 minutes.

The pics are crappy. I don't have any after pics because I forgot. Either that or I had too much happy hour. Not sure.

Have fun and eat well.

Red gravy made easy

First of all, I'm not Italian. I dated an Italian bird for a short time but never ate her mother's cooking.

Through the years I have been a bit of a red gravy guru. At least in my own mind! As Tom Waits says, "I've wined, dined, sipped and supped in some of the most demonstrably beamer epitomable bistros...." Likewise I've had some downright raunchy red gravys and also some of the most memorable meals topped by a tasty topping of what I considered quite competent red gravies.

What the hell is a red gravy? Some of you may know it better as spaghetti sauce. Without sounding snobbish, spaghetti sauce is a tragic misnomer. Really, spaghetti sauce is what you buy in a can or jar. That's a shame really. The small time spent preparing a proper red gravy is well worth the effort. And it's easy.

Some will argue it's a time-consuming, all-day affair. Certainly you could make it such but it's not necessary. I do recommend that red gravy is prepared in a large batch and proportioned properly for whatever serving size you think is appropriate. It's like soup, prepare the day prior and serve the next.

When I first began making my own red gravy, I insisted on using fresh, plum tomatoes and making it one of those long, lenghty love affairs lasting the better part of an afternoon. In recent years though, I've found that quality canned crushed tomatos work just fine without sacrificing the final product. In addition, I've taken to adding chopped clams and a reduction of white wine or white vermouth and clam juice. The suggerimento de mer adds something I prefer though you may not.

After you get the base down, experiment with various herbs and spices that you think may be appropriate. Some will suggest fresh herbs only at serving time. Use your own judgment I guess. The only warning is that if you use fresh herbs in the simmer, be sure it's just that, a simmer. Don't let the gravy boil. Me, I mainly use dried herbs in the gravy and top the final product with a generous dose of fresh, chopped basil and/or whatever feels right.

Calamari meatball experiment fails again

It's been what, six months since I tasted the goodness of the calamari meatballs at The Daily Catch. Since then it has been a personal mission to figure out just how they do it. When I was there last July, I asked the kind waitress what was in them. She said, "just calamari." I was guessing there might be ground veal in there too but she insisted it was just calamari and herbs and spices.

Okay, let's run with that. A few months ago I bought some whole calamari and made an attempt. At the time I didn't have a grinder so I substituted a food processor. Bad idea. The processor rendered the squid a gooey mess. Instead of acquiesing, I forded ahead. After adding some herbs and spices, egg whites, and too much bread crumbs, I did my best to form a ball out of the gloppy stuff, dropped it in a pot of boiling water and ended up with a strangely shaped blob of boiled squid. It resembled nothing I had seen before(click for a pic of the real thing).

Fast forward to yesterday.

Picked up five pounds of whole squid (beaks removed) at the only real Italian market in Miami, Laurenzos. I am now on an OCD mission. I will not be denied. Before I got started, I tried to find some fine Italian opera music. Puccini would be inspirational. Couldn't find it so just ran with the classical selection on XM or whatever is piped in through the cable. With the coarse blade installed, I ran it through the KitchenAid grinder and voila. I got ground calamari.

Great. Now where do I go from here? Let's add the appropriate meatball stuff. Some herbs, some spices, egg whites, some Laurenzos Own italian bread crumbs, some minced onion. The typical stuff. Just like the waitress said, "whatever you put in meatballs goes in, just use ground calamari instead of meat." Only now I am armed with a little more intel than what I had the first time. I was tipped off that after forming the balls, they are dropped into a fryer. Okay, makes sense. Maybe. I'll try that.

So now it's time to fire up the fryer. Despite beginning the project full of optimism, skepticism is now creeping in. No...it's not creeping in, it's done moved right in and brought along the wife and kids! The mixture still resembles an amoeba. With serious doubt peering over my shoulder, I drop a few into the hot oil.

The oil does what it does when cold, wet food hits hot fat, it begins that violent, furious dance trying to rid itself of the invader that it hates so much, water.

And therein lies the problem. This mixture was simply way too moist for the fryer. The vaporizing water created such commotion that it literally tore apart what only loosely resembled a meatball. I'm not even sure these things would qualify as fritters.

So here's what I do in an attempt at salvage. I take the goop that's left, toss it in a loaf pan and into the oven at 350-400. When it's done, I'm left with a chunk of calamari meatloaf that has lost about a third of it's size, perhaps a little more. Glad I tried that. I now know that the squid must somehow be dried prior to mixing the ingredients for the meatballs.

Back to the drawing board? Not really. Just need to tweak a portion of the procedure. And I'll be back.

UPDATE: After thinking about this and looking at the pic of the original, I'm not really convinced that the real thing is deep fried. The outer skin texture just doesn't look like it has been submerged in hot oil.